FIC: Dear Tabby [NEXTWAVE]

[expletives]

Title: Dear Tabby
Fandom: NEXTWAVE
Rating: PG-13 I guess?
Genre: Humour or something
Summary: Tabby generously shares tips on what kind of woman makes the perfect girlfriend. It sounds a little familiar.
Warnings: Not really.
Pairings/Characters: None (or Tabby/Everyone).
Author's Note: Holiday gifting for Toast [dytabytes], who has Tabby on the brain. This is very, very short, and rather odd, but I hope it doesn't make you hate me more than you do. Tabby's voice is so hard [sobs] HOW DO YOU DO IT. Also this kind of got out of control along the way and doesn't have much (if anything) to do with the prompt so if you want a re-do just let me know.
Disclaimer: I think Tabitha Smith originally belonged to Rob Liefield, but he doesn't deserve her. That doesn't mean I do, though.



When you see a good looking girl on the street, you might ignore her. You might glare at her. Once she's safely past you, you hold you boyfriend's arm tighter and ask him if she's hotter than you, and he smiles and says 'No way, baby.' and throws his arm around your shoulder.

If it's me, he's totally lying.

I am the ideal woman. Clanky robot man might disagree, but he thinks portable DVD players are sexy, so I don't know why you'd listen to him.

Some people see the whole 'mutant' thing as a downside, which I totally don't get. I mean, you need some bacon at three in the morning? Is anybody else gonna be able to blow a hole in the wall of the grocery store? Like, I'd understand if my power was something totally useless like. Healing or something. I mean, everyone and their grandmother has a healing factor. And really, isn't it just an excuse to be carelessly kinky? You probably don't need a safeword if you'll just walk it off in the morning. Or afternoon, same difference.

So mutant girlfriends are totally desirable, okay. And I can't vouch for everyone, but as a group, as a demowhastic, we're totally hot. Mutant babes? We are just like, lying around. Storm, Mystique, Rogue, Kitty if you're into the whole jailbait thing, Emma Frost if you like dominatrix types. Name one mutant chick that isn't totally hot. And non-mutant chicks? Rosie O'Donnell.

Oh yeah. I went there.

And you don't want your woman to be socially stunted, right? So she's gotta be clever, and know how to, like, talk to people. You can tell who's best at making friends by how much time she spends on the phone. Less than five hours a day means she has nobody to talk to. That's just basic math, right?

Last of all, she's gotta be a looker. I mean, duh. Why would you ask her out, otherwise? Smoking body and howt cawture are the basics. You don't want to be associated with somebody that doesn't have fashion sense, right? And okay, this last bit is important; she's gotta be blond. Redheads are acceptable, but brunettes are a no-no. Unless they bleach their hair, then they're okay. Even a fake blond is better than a brunette.

So what makes the ideal girl? Let's sum up. Obviously, she's gotta be a mutant. I think I explained that already. And popular. That's a huge duh. And, this is actually the most important: Blond. Any length is fine (as long as it's not one of those feathery 80s cuts - ew!), as long as it's blond.

And don't be put off by the 'white trash factor', or whatever Monica is calling it this week. Trailer parks are like, the cultivated garden of the U.S.A. Anyone who tells you otherwise is just jealous.

So those are the things that make up the ideal girlfriend. Take notes and get looking, kay?

I'll be expecting your calls.